5 Types of Self-talk To Ruin Your Day

Who needs to be around mean people when you can berate yourself?

“Nah, I could never do that.”

“This probably won’t end well.”

“I’m just not that talented.”

I know I’m not alone in hearing these pitiful voices in my head.

But I’m crafting some better backchat.

My new response is “Says who?”

Or, “How do you know that for sure?”

Because I’ve figured out that voice operates from a demented OS.

With malware and way-past-their-use-by-date views.

For starters, it missed the memo about how I’ve changed.

It forgot to upgrade.

It needs a reset.

So I need to let it go.

Because it no longer works for me.

And I’m not giving it any more free rent in my head.

Mean thoughts hold on tight

But here’s the thing about these negative thoughts that try to get a look in.

They’re hard to budge.

They show up whenever you see a new beginning, a chance, a way out.

And they act all superior. Informed.

As if they know who you really are without your fancy self-belief.

They catch you at your weakest. In the half-light hours when you wake up and start second-guessing.

Could I go for a better job?

Should I ask her out?

Will I just go for it?

No!

They pull you back in and down.

Too much at risk. Too likely you’ll fail. All too hard.

You’re too small.

But if you let yourself believe the negative self-talk, you are.

You’re safe but sabotaged

You see, our brains are listening to us as we go through our days. Taking dictation.

“Did you say you’re stressed? Got it. Not creative? Ok. Too fat? Whatever you say.”

They lay down pathways with our commands.

Especially whatever words we repeat a lot.

They become our neural blueprint.

We end up safe from risks.

But we stay in a dank cave and forget who rolled the boulder over the exit.

And kept us in the dark about how we may have soared.

Who can we blame?

This is not a story of evil, mean stepsisters.

The villain is more well-intentioned if misguided.

It starts when you’re young.

A teacher or parent says, “Don’t show off now,” or “You never finish anything.” Or you overhear, “She’s just not coordinated.”

A few repetitions and it sticks. If you don’t get other positive feedback, you believe, “I’ll never be...”

You repeat these thoughts till they’re etched into you.

Not quite conscious. And that means hidden and powerful.

They’re the default words that spring up to define and diminish you.

And this negative self-talk warps how you see yourself.

Did you hear that we have between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts every day?

But here’s the kicker—80% of the thoughts are negative and 95% are the same as yesterday.

So it’s no surprise if you’re feeling like you can’t move on.

Naming and shaming the negative self-talk

Let’s look at what negative self-talk sounds like so we’ll know it when it shows up.

Here are 5 broad categories. Sometimes they overlap.

See if they sound familiar.

1. The sky is falling

You extrapolate from one incident to the worst possible conclusion. You catastrophize.

“I got up late. It’s going to be one of those awful days.”

“I read that the market’s going to tank. It’ll be the Great Depression all over again.'“

“I goofed up on the job interview so I won’t get the job and we could lose the house.”

2. No middle ground

You see options in black and white. Everything polarizes to the far ends of the spectrum. If it’s not perfect, it’s a failure.

“It’s hopeless. I’ll never be good at anything.”

“I totally screwed up on my presentation.”

“No one ever pays attention to me.”

3. It’s always like this

You overgeneralize. You assume one event is a lifelong pattern.

“I blew it. That’s what I do.”

“I could try another diet but they don’t work for me.”

“I didn’t win the raffle. But I never win at anything.”

4. What if…?

You overthink the future. You dream up problems before you even start.

“What will my friends say if I fail again?”

“What if I risk it and lose all our savings?”

“What if I don’t know what to say and clam up?”

5. It’s all about me

You personalize events as if you control them.

“My partner’s mad. I don’t know what I did to upset him.”

“My friend canceled on me. What did I do to offend her?”

“No one spoke up in our meeting. I always shut down the conversation.”

Takeaways: How to change the conversation

The first step in overcoming negative self-talk?

Recognize the self-talk patterns you're running.

To become more self-aware, try these tips:

• Pay attention to what you say when you’re feeling cramped inside. When you’re saying no to an opportunity or challenge.

• Try writing down your self-talk words or reality-checking them with a friend.

• Reframe your self-talk and ask the positive question, “Why am I going to succeed at this?”

• Watch how you speak about yourself to others. If you limit yourself, others will take your word for it and reflect your small self back to you.

• Be alert to the negative self-talk around you—your family, co-workers, and the media. They all contribute to the needless drama.

When they resurface, edit negative words immediately. Reprogram your brain with specific and positive phrases in the present tense.

Instead of “I’m so stressed. I can never get on top of my life.” Try “I’m in charge of my time. I only commit to what I can happily do.”

Or rather than saying, “I’ll never learn this. It’s hopeless.” Try, “I’m doing my best. That’s it.”

Over time and with practice, you’ve built up negative self-talk.

Over time and with practice, you can convert it into constructive language.

Learn to speak as kindly to yourself as you do to your best buddies.

Own your day by choosing self-talk that works for you.