How being helpful can ruin your life
The perils of people pleasing—put yourself first before someone else claims the spot
She fits in wherever she goes. Never argues, even at home. Takes on the views of whoever she’s with. Likes to keep the peace.
She rarely disappoints. Is reliable. Always comes through.
The word “conscientious” comes up to describe her.
She doesn’t make a fuss.
She’s okay with:
letting someone else choose where you all go out to eat.
taking as much time as you need to catch up.
taking the load from a work colleague.
letting others speak up in meetings.
eating the burnt toast.
Everyone likes her. No one has a bad word to say about her. She’s “nice.”
She pleases people. She’s a helper. She could be your best friend or sister.
Do you know her? Or is this you?
I certainly see signs of myself in her.
It all sounds sweet. And what could possibly be wrong with this?
Well, what’s unseen is the dark underbelly of this personality.
And if this is your pattern of behavior most of the time, be warned.
Because, if you scratch the surface of this kind, helpful friend, you may uncover a seething child. She’s stomping her foot and asking why she never gets what she wants in life.
Yes, inside, she’s still a child. Because, sadly, she hasn’t found a way to effectively speak up for herself as a grownup. Or to know and to take care of her own needs.
And she is deeply unhappy.
There are a few myths that need busting about being a nice girl who can’t say no.
Let’s look at them here.
Generosity with your time is a choice, not an obligation.
You don’t owe your time to anyone.
As a decent human, you want to respond to someone in need. And in life and death scenarios, of course, most people help. But helping out takes time.
And someone’s needs are not your responsibility just because they’re standing in front of you.
Remember that bumper sticker:
“Your lack of planning is not my emergency.”
The same goes for:
“your relationship crisis”
“your work nightmare”
“your overdue term paper.”
Yes, you can choose to say, “I’m here for you.”
But you can also say no to dropping everything in your life to help solve these.
And often you should.
You may help the person more by placing the responsibility back on their shoulders. That way, they’ll learn to cope alone and be ready for their next life challenge.
Empathy can hold you captive in a dark web.
Picking up on the emotions of others is tiring. It expends energy.
You probably can’t help it, though. You’re made that way.
And people will feel your empathy and be drawn to the cozy fire of your attention.
So, as a people-pleaser, you’ll be tempted to:
spend time listening to the details of their lives
grow in understanding of their situation
try your hand at solving their problems.
But you’re in dangerous territory here. Because if you respond whenever you feel someone needs help, you’ll have the whole world at your doorstep.
And that drain on your emotions and time leads to overcommitment and burnout.
It’s real and debilitating. And the friends you helped can do little about it when you collapse. If they even show up, that is.
Compliments are lies. Don’t believe them.
Have you noticed what happens after you’ve gone out of your way and helped someone at work? They’re full of sweet-sounding words about your good character. Even if they barely know you.
These words of praise can be a smarmy way of saying a simple thank you.
“You did what no one else would do, and I appreciate it” (because that’s one thing off my to-do list.)
Some questions for you:
Why be a martyr to someone else’s cause?
Why does it take so much time to prove to yourself and others that you’re a good person?
Why do you care what others think of you?
There’s no end to others’ needs and, no, you won’t get “your time” later.
News flash!
There’s no end to others’:
needs
wants
grudges
chores
work
complaints
time-wasters
dependency.
You’ve got yourself a job for life.
And people-pleasing behavior also sets you up for every freeloader, con artist, manipulator, schemer, opportunist, predator, and leach. They have a sixth sense for tasty, vulnerable prey. And you’ll be the first person they set up.
The sad truth is that if you’re always free to help out, you’ll end up vulnerable to harm and loss.
And you’ll be sucked dry before you can ever put your feet up.
If you don’t put yourself first, no one else will.
When you don’t set yourself high on any list by knowing and stating your needs, no one else does either. You let others choose what you do with your time and energy.
If you fill your day with commitments to others, you lose touch with yourself.
And it becomes doubly hard to speak up for your needs because you barely know what you want. You’re so out of the habit of considering yourself.
And, over time, disappointment and resentment are born. And you don’t understand why you feel like that, because you’ve been such a good friend and nice girl.
If this sounds like you or someone you know, you are so not alone. This is a behavior pattern. One that’s all too common. And yes, mostly in women.
I’d like to thank you. Sincerely. For all your good deeds, and the shoulders you’ve offered others to cry on.
The world needs your kindness.
But it’s way past time that others stepped in and took up some of the slack.
And you started saying no and set up some boundaries. The ones where you’re not available, too busy enjoying, and you’re phone is on ‘do not disturb’ for months at a time because you’ve gone sailing.
But only if you LOVE sailing and fresh air. Otherwise, Netflix?